SKETCH "LOG LINE" A fundamental interpretation by Calvary Baptist Church leader, Pastor Baker, of "God's" word, or more aptly, "Pastor Baker's" word, attracts a very large crowd of "Fundamentalist Christians" -- actually, it's a crowd just shy of TEN regulars who all congregate in the condemned basement of an abandoned street-front barber shop.

SKETCH EXCERPTS (various episodes)     PASTOR BAKER And brethren, who prints and publishes Cosmopolitan? CROWD THE DEVIL’S PRESS! PASTOR BAKER That’s right brothers and sisters. The Devil’s Press, a subsidiary of Satan’s Modeling Agency, Inc. And the Devil’s crafty, isn’t he brethren! CROWD Amen. PASTOR BAKER He knows he can occassionally trick even a Christian with the friendly sheep’s cover disguise that he cloaks his inwardly ravenous Cosmo Wolf with. ... ... PASTOR BAKER ... ... But none of us pick up a Cosmo for fashion advice, now DO we brethren? (grins slyly, the crowd smiles) Of course we don’t. We do it to lust over a strange woman’s flesh, who we should instead be trying to bring to this congregation because of the likely fact that she’s a nonbeliever facing the fiery perils of damnation that are justly awaiting her from the judgment of a FAIR AND LOVING GOD!! *  *  * PASTOR BAKER Now honey, will you explain how the Lord blesses our sex life, lest our younger brothers and sisters doubt the Lord’s power in this area. PASTOR’S WIFE Yes, Pastor. Well, brethren, first I adorn my bare flesh with scents of rosemary, primrose, and myrrh-- PASTOR BAKER Myrrh! That’s all I have to say. PASTOR’S WIFE Then I seeketh enticing lingerie of wool and flax from our vineyard, to covereth my bare scented flesh. Pastor really likes the flax panties too, ladies, just to give you a hint for your husbands-- PASTOR BAKER OH, FUGHEDDABOUTIT! Brothers, I am TELLING YOU, you get your helpmate of twain flesh into a flax thong, you’ll NEVER fall victim to Satan’s smut pedalling sin again! * * * PASTOR BAKER Brethren, my wife and I are chuckling right now because we had a basket of cheesefries earlier, and we can testify to the fact that it didn’t fill us eternally.. Right, Honey? * * * PASTOR BAKER Now, Young Abraham, are you ready to be submerged in the Lord’s holy baptismal waters? PASTOR PULLS UP RATTY CARPET TO REVEAL CESSPOOL, ABRAHAM LOOKS DOWN IN RAT-INFESTED WATER & STARTS TO RETREAT... PASTOR BAKER Now, now, Young Abraham, the Lord cleans not the outside of our cup, but rather the sinful inside. If you want the outside of your cup immersed in crystal clear water, a murky soul, and the fellowship of nonbelievers, take a Carnival Cruise, where the Skipper is the beguiling Satan.